Sad

So, I opened this blog with the total intent to update on a regular basis,.. Life Happens, This month I can honestly say has been the ultimate saddest month of my life, My little brother passed away Sept 8th.
I tend to be a fairly private person in my internet groups, I avoid religion, politics depressing type thoughts etc, and try to just focus on the beauty of the glass art and the gifts life has blessed us with.
I also tend to be a hermit, I really love private time, I love Mondays! because Steve goes to work, and its just me my dogs, and my thoughts.
I try really hard to keep a positive attitude, and totally believe in positive affirmation, I update my Facebook with lots of fun jokes and quips, and to be entirely honest its not just to spread the fun to others, it helps me stay positive to laugh.
This month has been the biggest challenge to me,
I know its part of life to lose our loved ones, My family is nearly extinct. This one has really hit me hard.
Mikey, was born when I was 10, and I can remember the day Mom and Dad brought him home, what an amazing little package! way better than any doll. Minnie mom in me took over, I taught him how to walk,I taught him how to talk, I babysat him and my other brother Jimmy during the summers, and after school.
My family was not big on displays of affection, we never felt unloved, but there wasn't hugging, kissing and the sort. With Mikey he was always snuggling, hugging, kissing. (here is one for the shrinks out there) I was scared to sleep alone, I would sneak into my parents bed after they had fallen asleep, then when Mikey was born I would let him sleep with me, of course telling him I was protecting him (Ha)
I had two other brothers, one five years older than me, one five years younger than me, of course the older one thought I was a pain in the ass,  trying to tag along, the younger one I thought was a pain in the ass :) (love you Jimmy) but Mikey, thought I was cool,
Being the only girl with three brothers, it was really hard to feel cool, I generally felt like an alien.We all joked and teased each other for sure, You have to be pretty tough, witty and sarcastic to make it in my family :)
I sit here writing this, thinking there is no way I'm going to post it,
I am such a self analyzer, I'm going to analyze myself into a padded room someday. :)
I don't have what ifs, or should have thoughts about this, I know it cant be changed, I'm not angry, I'm not seeking any kind of justice, I am simply heart broken, I am going to miss him for the rest of my life.
As maternal as I felt over him, I hurt for our mother, what an amazing person, Yet I know she appears a lot stronger than she is. I Love you ma.
I had a friend ask this weekend what happened she had picked up pieces off my Facebook posts, but said I was cryptic, (surprise) I was trying so hard to not let this bring me down, or effect my friends and business.
That is totally not how I want to word that. I think sharing our personal life with our professional artistic lives helps paint a picture of who we are, what our art means to us, etc. but I still have walls, and self imposed rules, in the world of "Networking".
For those that I confided in, I want to send a huge thanks, for all the kind words, and support,
Its weird how when tragedy strikes your family, you feel like you're the only one in the entire world suffering.
Then life smacks you upside the head.
Life is truly a gift, and I have to move forward, and I have to cherish it.
Mike, I Love you.

Listening to the Gnome

I'm 4 years old laying on the couch, looking up at the popcorn glittery ceiling, with a 104 degree fever, My mother is in panic, and I see this little gnome sitting Indian style upside down on my ceiling, he has on a blue worn shirt, and a red cone cap, thats a little wrinkled up, a long white beard of course, and these smiling eyes, that seem to hide a really funny joke inside.
Now I knowwwww You cannot sit upside down on a ceiling without dropping down on your head, I might only be four, but I know this to be true, and I begin telling him so. Mom thinks I am hallucinating, and her panic worsens, she is headed to the kitchen to the phone hanging on the wall to call the doctor. My gnome and me argue about the possibility of sitting upside down, Gnome tells me to tell my mom my fever will break in 20 minutes. I do, then get back to our debate.
Do you want to see your mother come undone? Run a 104 degree fever and talk to a gnome on your ceiling.
My gnome, I think, grows weary of my capriciousness, and folds his arms, and says “Laurie, you can do anything in this life that you BELIEVE in” Now, we have heard this saying before in our lives have we not?, but how many 4 year olds have? How many 4 years olds even have the concept of needing to believe in something, The gnome leaves me, and my fever breaks in exactly 20 minutes.
Was I hallucinating? I do not believe I was. As my gnome has come to me, several times in my 39 years of life to remind me, when I needed that nudge.
It's the small things, the shiny, pretty, things that make my heart smile,
Childhood memories, Fairytale s, Dreams, believing in genies in bottles.
Some people think I'm a dreamer, some people think I'm simply nuts, I am not sure who is right, and really does it matter?
I am not entirely sure what this story is going to be about, will it be sprinkled with truth or simply pure nonsensical fantasy, possibly horror..
When I woke up this morning, something felt different, I cant find the words to explain this, but lately I have been in sort of possibly a depression, artist block, (which I have never truly believed in).
My passion for glass has seemed much more of an effort, Though I still totally am in heaven when I sit down to the torch and start creating, its all the rest thats involved in making this an income, however meek.
So far today hasn't been any different, I have the coffee going, I have a list of bills I MUST pay, Some shipping that needs to be done a week before Christmas the horrors of the post office egads!
Like any other morning I have my hair up in one of those S and M type hair clips,addressing the situation of too much blood in my caffeine system, sitting here wrapped in a blanket, spending a few minutes online chatting, putting up some silly status on my Facebook profile. I sit waiting for that something different...I need my gnome to remind me.
I need to find my passion button, I know its there, I have felt ALIVE before. You know what I mean, those moments in life that we aren't androids, going through the motions, The times that we ARE the motions! With this story I hope to create and find those moments.